Everything in this world is crap. What is good is just less crappier. Since this is our first post of Utter Crap-o-meter here is the rating system to help you out: Rating is on a scale of 1 to 10 crap dumplings. Higher the rating crappier the movie/book/anything!

Movie: Watchmen

Superheros who chase tail, rape, annihilate vietcong rebels, semi-pornographic Wonder Woman wannabes, living breathing lessons on quantum physics, Richard Nixon’s nose.

And a blue schlong.

A long, swinging, fluorescent blue schlong.

Whether you are a hardcore fan of what Time magazine called “the greatest graphic novel of all time” or just plain bored on a Sunday afternoon, Watchmen is hard to ignore. If you haven’t read the comic, you will probably enjoy the amazing visuals and the semi-campy, semi-ultra-realistic-but-still-in-thought-experiment-phase portrayal of the checkered (to put it mildly) lives of superheros, but find the storyline hard to follow. If on the other hand, you love the book, as I do, you will probably be satisfied with this engaging visualization of an alternate retelling of Cold-War America and the superhero-affected dynamics of a world on the brink of nuclear war, but still disappointed simply because not all the awesome substories were covered. In particular, the Black Freighter part (in my opinion, one of the most pivotal story arcs in the book) has been completely ignored.

And then of course, there’s the aforementioned blue schlong. The strikingly supple, free-flowing, incandescently blue genital appendage on Dr. Manhattan’s (played by Billy Crudup) intrinsic-field-subtractor-ised body. In what must be the first performance of its kind on the silver screen, this remarkable organ manages to steal the spotlight from such remarkable superhero characters as a nihilistic comedian who thinks nothing of killing bystanders (The Comedian played by Jeffrey Dean Morgan), a retired, paunchy Bruce Wayne-ish superhero who dresses up as an owl (Nite Owl played by Patrick Wilson), a pseudo-psychopath who hides his face behind inkblots (Rorschach Jackie Earl Healey), an Alexander the Great wannabe who is also the “world’s most intelligent man” (Ozymandias, played by Matthew Goode) and a dark-haired sexpot who in her own words is “used to going out at 3 A.M. and doing something stupid” (Silk Spectre II, played by the oh-so-scrumptious Malin Akerman) and many more.

Of course, fanboys will not mind that too much (although the black undies in the trailer were just atrocious), given that Jon Osterman/Dr. Manhattan was portrayed in the full Monty in the original comic as well. Still, the image has became more of a talking point than the intricately textured philosophy with all its paradoxes concerning the superhero pseudo-myth and the accompanying insecurities, which is never a good thing.

Overall, a solid 4 dumps on this reasonably well-executed movie adaptation of this absolute legend of a comic (if you can, seriously, get off your butts and buy/download/torrent/borrow/ steal the book and read it). I shall sign off with this engaging anecdote from my favourite Watchman Rorschach :

“Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says “But, doctor…I am Pagliacci.” Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.”

Fade to black, indeed.

PS: For the unlucky few who haven’t watched the movie yet, Malin Akerman is in a 2-minute love-making sequence with full frontals. Just thought you should know.

Crap Rating:  

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